


Excerpts from the Diary Of Asenath Waite

by redbuttonhole



Category: LOVECRAFT H. P. - Works
Genre: (arguably), Angst, Bodyswap, Canon Trans Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Contemporary AU, Depression, Feminist Themes, Genderbending, Genderfuck, Genderqueer Character, Magic, Other, The Thing on the Doorstep - Freeform, Trans Character, lovecraft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 18:29:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3779605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redbuttonhole/pseuds/redbuttonhole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>At last, I have the body I was meant to have.  Or bodies, I should say.  I feel like this is how my body was always meant to be housed. </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>What if Asenath Waite from The Thing on the Doorstep were genderqueer?  A modern reimagining of the Lovecraft's story, retold from Asenath's point of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Excerpts from the Diary Of Asenath Waite

_Editor's note: The following diary entries were entered into evidence by the prosecution in the trial of The State of Rhode Island vs. Daniel Upton, for the murder of his childhood friend Edward Derby. The entries were undated by the author, but the editor has attempted to assign approximate dates where possible._

 

**_(Fall, 2005)_  
**

I don't belong in this body. I understand that now. It feels like something I've always known, and at the same time like a mystery I'm only beginning to unravel.

Towards the end of high school, I started considering whether I might be more masculine-identified than feminine. But I didn't have the right words—it's hard to think about without the terminology. I knew a couple of kids back then who called themselves "trans", and I was always interested in that, maybe even a little hopeful, like that word contained a possibility that _fit_. But I wasn't sure I had a right to claim it. Was I really trans, or just being trendy?

I don't worry about that so much anymore. The queer community here at Miskatonic have helped me understand that I don't have to see everything in simple binaries. Am I a boy or a girl? I can be both. Neither. I can give different answers on different days. And no one can tell me I am wrong about my own identity.

But there's still a problem: this damn _body_. My brain and my heart and my soul (and even my friends and my university) understand that my gender is complicated and fluid. But my body remains stubbornly female. Some days that doesn't bother me—some days I revel in it. Other days it just feels _wrong_.

Today is one of those days.

 

**_(Winter, 2005)_ **

I've been going to Queer Alliance meetings, talking with some other transfolk there about my frustrations and what my options are to make things better. Kiah has had top surgery and Bo is on testosterone, and they talked to me about the process. I can see how much happier they are, now that their bodies feel more in synch with their identities.

Should I do it? It's tempting... Everyone at the meeting tonight was very supportive. But I do have some concerns. I wish I knew someone who has had bottom surgery. I don't know if that's right for me, but I also don't know if I could be completely comfortable in my body without it.

I need to do more research.

**_(Early Spring, 2006)_  
**

I've read more books and articles and webpages on transitioning than I read for my classes this semester. Maybe it's become an obsession, but this is a big decision. I want to have all the pros and cons available to me before I jump in.

There are some cons, I have to admit. One thing is money—surgery is expensive! Top surgery is already thousands of dollars, and bottom surgery is even worse. My health insurance considers all transition-related medical expenses to be "elective", so they won't cover anything. And even if I could raise the money somehow, there are the inherent risks of major surgery to consider, not to mention the painful recovery period.

Just doing hormone treatments is cheaper, but will it give me what I want, or always feel like a compromise? And I wish we knew more about the long-term health effects of these treatments.

But probably the biggest issue is the permanence of it. Any surgery would obviously be irreversible. If I go on T, I can stop and start, but the process is slow and not without side effects. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that.

That's a hard thing to admit, even in my diary—it makes me feel like a traitor to all my trans friends, that I'm even thinking I might want to go back to female at some point. Or as if I'm a poser who is just flirting with this identity. If I'm _truly_ trans, I should be able to commit, right? But it's not that simple. I've never been convinced I'm entirely male—there are still days when I wake up perfectly happy to be female. And other days when it makes me absolutely miserable. How can I be sure that if I transition, I won't have the exact same feelings in the other direction?

I don't want to make one choice for the rest of my life. I want to be able to enjoy my body every day, whatever I feel like that day. Shouldn't that be possible? But medical science apparently hasn't caught up with my gender identity yet.

 

**_(Late Spring, 2006)_ **

The semester is winding to a close, but I can't seem to bring myself to care. Finals are right around the corner, I haven't been to my classes in ages, and I'm not even trying to study. I'm not doing anything else, either. I ask myself every morning what I did yesterday, and more often than not, I can't come up with anything at all. I'm pretty sure I'm going to flunk out or at least get put on academic probation, but none of it seems very important.

Everything just feels wrong, and I am powerless to make any of it better, so why try?

My roommate is getting worried about me. I should at least pretend to be okay, for her sake. She wants me to go talk to someone at Psych Services, but I just feel _ehhhhh_ about the whole thing. What's the point?

 

*****  
**

To get my roommate off my back, I went out with her to one of her Goth parties. She was pointing out that I hadn't left the room in four days, so it was either that or have her call Psych Services to come and get me. I tried to put a good face on it but I was dreading being forced to interact with people. 

But it wasn't that bad. Her friends aren't what I thought at all. I just knew that she wears a lot of black with silver jewelry, and assumed that she and her friends were all into role-playing and vampires and stuff. But they turned out to be smart and well-read, and were studying all kinds of ancient languages and other esoteric knowledge—witchcraft and magic and some obscure investigations I couldn't even make sense of... I laughed at that at first. I figured they were talking about Harry Potter and stuff. But from the way they were talking, I got the impression that it wasn't all fictional.

I don't know what to make of it. I'm not sure I believe them, but... I want to know more. This is the first time I've felt interest in something in months. Maybe it's worth following up on.

*******

Back from the latest party with the occult crowd. Even more than the Queer Alliance, I feel like I've finally found my people—they're all so intelligent and unafraid to explore the shadowy corners of human experience. Except for this one guy—Ed Derby. I'm not sure why they even invite him, or if anyone does. It seems like he just finds out what we're doing somehow and shows up, and no one has the heart to tell him to get lost.

Derby is pretty pathetic—I think he's in his late 30s, but he brags about how young he looks, and how he fits right in with the college crowd. Sure... if you say so, Ed. I don't think he has anyone fooled.

Mostly I think he just comes to hit on younger girls. But he does know a lot about magic and occultism, so no one is eager to kick him out. I've seen some of his experiments with mesmerism and storm conjuring, and he claims to have even more fantastic powers besides. Plus he can buy us liquor, so there's that.

Derby aside, I'm glad I've met these people and been introduced to their strange studies and practices. It's not that I've forgotten about my trans identity, but for so long it only brought me misery. At least these esoteric inquiries distract me from how unfulfilled I feel by my gender.

**_(Fall, 2006)_  
**

My roommate says I'm really coming along in my mystic studies. She says she's never seen anyone take to these ancient, forgotten disciplines as quickly as I have, and that I must be a natural born witch. I don't know about that, but it's true that I've hardly done anything but read arcane texts and grimoires for ages now. It's all I care about. This would be a big problem for my schoolwork, except luckily I was able to change my concentration to Medieval Studies, and convince Prof. Verano to be my advisor. He's interested in magic too (the others say that he's an "adept"), so he's been supportive of my studies. And he's helped me arrange my classes so I can learn as much as possible about the theory and philosophy of these long-unspoken relics of a darker age.

 

*******

I was talking to Ed Derby the other night and he told me there's a whole section in the university library devoted to nameless, forbidden texts. I thought I knew every occult text in the library backwards and forwards, but these are kept in a different building, in the rare books collection. They aren't allowed to circulate, and no one can even look at them except students and faculty at Miskatonic. He mentioned that he used to have special permission to access the collection, but the university cut him off for some reason. He wants me to go in there and check some stuff for him for his latest experiments. I told him I would. I'm excited to get my hands on these books!

*******

I've just made the most incredible discovery. I was looking up those passages in the occult section for Ed, like I said I would, and I stumbled on a bizarre but wonderful formula... It's all in medieval Latin, which I'm not that good at yet, but I think it's a method for changing the sex of your body. And you can change it back again using the same spell! This feels like fate. I never imagined that my magical studies would bring a solution to my gender issues, but maybe everything in my life has been lining up to point me to this long-forgotten incantation. I need to do more research to make sure I fully understand it.

 

*******

I had a falling out with Prof. Verano. I told him about that gender-shifting formula I found, and I asked for his help working through it, as it's pretty complex. He got upset with me, though. He told me the demoniac knowledge contained in those books has been known to induce a kind of madness, and I wasn't ready even to read those spells, let alone experiment with them. That's ridiculous—I used to really admire him, but I can't believe he's being so controlling. I thought of him as a mentor and colleague, but clearly he just sees me as some neophyte who can't handle more radical inquiries into ineffable cosmic forces. He doesn't get it—I'm not just messing around. This spell is _important_ to me.

Prof. Verano is a typical academic—he's all about the theory and history, but magic is meant to be practiced. He's fallen for society's oppressive claim that magical practice is fearsome, morbid, or obscene. But what's so sinister about a spell that would solve all my problems and help lift my depression?

I don't need Verano. I can still access those books, and Ed can help me unravel the obscure instructions they contain. He knows a lot about magic—maybe even more than Prof. Verano. Ed might be a bit of a creep, but when it comes to these ill-regarded, malign pursuits, his singular expertise is exactly what I need.

 

**_(Summer, 2008)_ **

Graduation is over at last, and now the wedding's only a few weeks away. I don't think we'll have many guests—people congratulate me in public, but as soon as they get me alone, everyone wants to lecture me about what a terrible mistake I'm making. I'm too young, I haven't thought this out, I shouldn't trust Edward Derby... But they don't know what they're talking about. I know Edward seems like an odd match for me—much older, not very attractive, and well-known to be a weirdo with a fetish for younger women. But there's more to him than that.   

It may not be true love, but what is love, anyway? There are more important things in this universe. Edward is my partner, my fellow traveler, my mystic guide. He's the only one who really knows and understands my forbidden project, and who can help me attain my goal. Of course I can't exactly explain that to the busy-bodies of Arkham, but the truth is, I can't think of a more perfect match for me.

And I need him. Because the spell in the _Necronomicon_ can't just turn my body male out of nothing—such nameless rites never work that way. We have to use what nature has already provided. If we succeed at this, I'll be able to inhabit his body at will, and finally have the experience of truly being male—no hormones, no surgery. All I have to do is pronounce the long-suppressed incantation, and that body becomes mine to inhabit and control.

Of course, that means he has to inhabit my body for the duration, but that's what's great about Edward—he's more than willing to do that for me. He says it sounds sexy to have a female body to play with from the inside. Where else was I going to find a man who not only wants that, but has his level of occult training and expertise?

As for the wedding... it's all part of the formula, really. Edward says we need to be ritually bound together—flesh of my flesh, two bodies and souls shared as one. Without that, the rest is impossible.

*******

It worked! Edward was right, the wedding was all we were lacking—once we were united as husband and wife, Alhazred's formula worked perfectly. I'm writing this from Edward's body right now, though it's still my old familiar handwriting. How interesting!

I can't even describe this feeling. What I've yearned for, and worked towards for so long! It's finally mine. I'm sorry this entry isn't longer, but I can't wait anymore—I have to go out and enjoy my new body!

 

**_(Spring, 2009)_ **

I've never been so happy in all my life. It's more than happiness—it's contentment. It's the sense that at last, I have the body I was meant to have. Or bodies, I should say. I feel like this is how my body was always meant to be housed. I wonder if most people feel this sense of fullness and completion from birth. How lucky! But then, their lives must also be really narrow, being limited to only one gender. Only Asenath and I can understand the pleasures of truly experiencing two genders.

I've come to think of myself as Edward when I'm in this body. That's to be expected, I guess. When I go out like this, the world recognizes me as Edward, so it's important I answer to the name. It's not so different from non-magical trans people: most of them have a separate name and sometimes a whole different identity associated with their different genders. And since our mystic work together has united our souls, in some sense I truly _am_ Asenath and Edward both, and so is she.

 

**_(Fall, 2010)_ **

It seems Edward is unhappy with our arrangement. For a while everything was so good, but lately he objects to taking on a female body. I don't understand it! This was the whole reason we got married. But now he has changed his mind.

I am writing from the female body, and I have been forced to stay in this body for months now, while my supposed partner inhabits the male body. This was not what we agreed to! I know it would be wrong to force him from his body without his consent (even though I now have the magic to do it), but isn't it wrong for him to deny me access to what he promised me?

And the issue of consent isn't so simple anymore. Since our vows, that body is as much mine as his. I have certain rights in this relationship, as much as he does. Would it really be wrong of me to force him out and claim those rights? It's not as if I'd be leaving him with nothing—there is nothing wrong with this female body. He used to enjoy it. It's not fair for him to change the terms of our relationship like this.

I have tried negotiating with him, tried to find some compromise, but we seem to have hit an impasse.

 

**_(Spring, 2011)_ **

Asenath is creating problems. Yes, I took this male body by force, but she left me no other choice! She's the one who broke our vows, not me. But now my magical force is stronger than hers, so I have the power to take what she should have given me freely.

But Asenath is growing stronger. I'm afraid to give up this body and return to our female form—what if she never lets me be male again? I'm not happy with this arrangement either—all I wanted was to be able to switch back and forth between genders, and not to be confined to one for the rest of my life. But it seems that melding two wills into one is more difficult than exchanging bodies.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to maintain the current situation.

 

**_(Fall, 2011)_ **

That bastard! He did it. He caught me on a difficult day when my guard was down. I thought he was ready to work on our issues, and I wanted to be open with him... but he took advantage of my moment of weakness to claim the male body again. Now I am Asenath and I am _stuck_. His magic has become stronger and I don't know if I will ever be Edward again. I haven't been this miserable since that terrible semester in college, when I'd given up all hope of being happy in my body.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to live in this body forever.

But even if I were willing... I'm nervous about the way Edward looks at me these days. We have lost all the trust we once had. I know he suspects I'm scheming to get the male body back, which is true. I'm afraid of what he might do to stop me.

I'm not sure I'm safe here. But I can't bring myself to leave behind the body I have come to think of as my home, as much as this female one ever was.

 

**_(Early Winter, 2011)_ **

I am Edward once again, but at what a cost! My partner, my bonded soulmate, has done the unthinkable—she has destroyed our female body, and me with it. At least, she tried to. As Edward, he kept me locked away as Asenath and then one day he murdered me.

But I wasn't that easy to get rid of. I've been hiding the extent of my magical studies from him for a while now, and he had no idea what I was capable of. I was prepared for his betrayal, and even death couldn't hold me for long.

It was the most difficult magic I've ever performed, but I've done it now! I've forced her from the male body—the living one—into the female corpse where he had left me to rot. Now she is the one buried six feet underground, and no one can take this body from me ever again.

It's a hollow victory, though—this was never what I wanted. I'll never be happy in only one gender—I wanted to be able to switch back and forth. Why couldn't she join me in that, and be satisfied?

I may be doomed to spend the rest of my life as a male, but at least I'm alive. I don't mourn her, but long may she rest all the same.


End file.
